words escape me and are not enough how do i define love?
ugh, i need a muse and possibly an oracle.
i can't write everything i think here and i had shut my computer off right before thinking some deep thoughts but then when i turned it back on, it was as if all my good, deep thoughts disappeared.
actually, i attempted writing them down but then lost my nerve/thought they were crap and immediately hit the delete button.
A possible brief sum up about the concept of love which is being redefined for me everyday: there are people who have said that they loved me, and while they are no longer a part of my life; in their own ways I think they did Though the love I require was not the love they had to give I do not want love that demands everything but is unwilling and unyielding to give anything in return I do not want love that makes mistakes and blames them on me I do not want love that professes itself so easily for love that comes that quickly, is apparently no love at all I do not want love that takes its anger out on me, for I deserve better And what kind of love is it really, if it is the kind of love that makes you cry? (not the good kind of happy cry either) But I especially don't want love that won't admit it's wrong
it's weird sometimes talking to people i haven't seen in forever. what is a graceful and eloquent way to say that i have changed but i am also essentially the same.
i still wish my legs would shave themselves and that i could crinkle my nose and it would get the laundry done. i am a master procrastinator. i love art, music, poetry, people.
i struggle with definitions of beauty, truth, love. they are constantly being redefined in my humble estimation.
i make BIG mistakes but at least i am learning from them.
nobody reads this, nobody xanga's anymore i don't quite know why i bother except that maybe i am getting something out of it.
oh yeah, i went out today because it was beautiful and i wrote this unedited & unfinished poem:
Man-made Paths asphalt tires winds wires progress at an alarming rate are these the paths we should take? should we sit back, slow down, mellow out personally, i'm not a fan of the couch
we don't talk you pop back into my life tell your lies or perhaps they are the truth at the time either way you always say you've changed but do you ever really? i don't care that you found bathmats and a toilet seat cover that match the stripe of your shower curtain are you trying to impress me? i still don't care i'm interested in you have you changed are you a man of your word or are you still a boy who promises and can't commit even to the smallest of things don't tell me things you don't mean you are just a liar change change change all i want is for you to take responsibility and keep your word
Seriously, how is it that you can say that I'm hot, you always miss me & that you want me and various other things of that nature which basically lead me on and then tell me that I'm not hot at all that I'm lucky if I'm a 6! you don't want to talk to me at all and call me psycho and crazy & tell me that nobody wants me especially not you. Well, I'm not psycho or crazy, I was expecting you to have grown up. I was thinking that you could be my friend the same way I am your friend. I am not crazy for wanting to keep our friendship alive and/or repair it, this makes me stubborn, forgiving (even though you have yet to say you're sorry), and a control freak but not "psycho" which you still can't spell.
i have a myspace now, but apparently i cannot write simple things like how i hate hospitals without them being totally misconstrued into "it's a waste of time for me to visit my dad's side of the family who is always in the hospital" which is NOT what i said. oh the reasons why this pisses me off... 1) the person who blabbed about this never even came to see my dad when he was in the hospital, so what right does that person have to say about anything. if i was being totally selfish & inconsiderate i would not go visit anyone at all. i suppose that's why you didn't. 2) the person that did this is supposedly a good God fearing Christian, but spends ALL of their time only talking (usually bad mouthing) & gossiping about everyone else in the family, even at Thanksgiving & Christmas. 3) it caused a huge fight between my family & i. i don't think i have been angrier in my life. i literally slapped the crap out of my mom's leg. it was horrendous. i don't want to do things like that but it pisses me off beyond belief that she would yell at me for something she "heard" from someone else.
So this is what's happening: I am going to disown my dad's side of the family. They ruin the spirit of Thanksgiving & Christmas anyway. If I am forced to go I will be breaking that person's fat, piggly wiggly legs & I will not be visiting that person after I have sent that person to the hospital.
